💔 Navigating Divorce with Grace: Therapist-Backed Tips for Couples in Transition

By: Fernanda Lewinsky, LMHC Licensed Therapist

Divorce is often framed as a failure. In reality, it can be a deeply human process of transition — one that, when navigated with intention, compassion, and clarity, can offer healing and even growth.

As a therapist who works with couples before, during, and after separation, I believe that even during divorce, respect, empathy, and emotional intelligence can guide us toward healthier outcomes — for both partners and, if applicable, for children.

Here are therapist-backed tips to help couples move through divorce with as much clarity and compassion as possible:

1. Start with Emotional Grounding, Not Legal Action

Before rushing into court filings or custody battles, take a breath. Even if divorce is the right decision, you're still in a highly emotional process. Pause and process. This might mean individual therapy, discernment counseling, or simply time to reflect on:

• What you need for closure

• What kind of post-divorce relationship you hope for (e.g., amicable, co-parenting, disengaged)

The clearer your emotional state, the better your legal and logistical decisions will be.

2. Use ‘Soft Startups’ in Communication

John Gottman found that the way a conversation starts predicts how it will end. During divorce, tensions can run high — but harsh startups (“You always…” / “You never…”) only escalate conflict.

Instead, try:

“I feel overwhelmed and I want us to talk about custody in a way that’s calm. Can we set aside 30 minutes to do that this week?”

This small shift can reduce defensiveness and help preserve dignity on both sides.

3. Avoid the Four Horsemen — Especially During Divorce Talks

Gottman’s "Four Horsemen" — criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling — are relationship killers, but they’re also poison during separation.

If you're ending a marriage, resist the temptation to attack or shut down. Instead:

• Replace criticism with “I” statements

• Replace contempt with curiosity and boundaries

• Replace defensiveness with ownership

• Replace stonewalling with intentional pauses

4. If You’re Parents: Put the Kids at the Center, Not in the Middle

Research shows that conflict, not divorce itself, is what harms children most.

Even if you're hurting, commit to:

• Shielding your children from arguments and legal drama

• Speaking respectfully about your co-parent in front of them

• Coordinating a shared narrative (“We both love you very much, and while we won't live together anymore, we're still your team.”)

Creating emotional safety for your children is the best gift you can give during this time.

5. Create New Rituals of Closure

Whether you've been married 2 years or 20, honoring the end of the relationship can be healing.

Consider:

• Writing letters of release or gratitude (even if not shared)

• Reflecting together on what worked and what didn’t

• Setting up a final joint therapy session

Conscious closure reduces lingering resentment and helps both partners move forward.

6. Seek Support — Professionally and Personally

You don’t have to do this alone. Reach out to:

• Therapists (for grief, transition, and co-parenting)

• Mediators (to reduce court battles)

• Gottman-trained divorce counselors (to help guide communication)

Also, find friends or support groups who can hold space without inflaming the situation.

Final Thought:

Divorce isn’t the opposite of love — it’s a restructuring of it. And while it can be painful, it also offers an opportunity: to relate with more intention, to co-parent with more clarity, and to grow into new versions of ourselves.

You deserve to go through this process with dignity. Your children (if you have them) deserve safety. And your future deserves peace.

📞 Need Support Navigating Divorce?

If you're feeling overwhelmed, stuck, or unsure how to move forward, I’m here to help. Whether you're looking for support with communication, emotional closure, or co-parenting, let’s talk. You can reach me at 954.687.1091 — or send a message through my website contact form skyycounseling.com.

You don’t have to do this alone.