You’re Not the Problem: Escaping a Narcissistic Abusive Relationship

Fernanda Lewinsky, LMHC
May 28
2 min read

by Fernanda Lewinsky, LMHC

Hey, you. If you’re feeling lost, doubting yourself, and wondering, “Am I the problem?” you might be in a narcissistic abusive relationship. As a therapist, I’ve seen how these relationships crush your confidence with shame and self-doubt. You’re not alone, and you’re not the problem. Here’s what you’re going through and how to break free—starting now.

What It Feels Like

You know that heavy feeling—like you’re never enough? That’s narcissistic abuse at work. It’s a slow, painful erosion of who you are:

Shame That Hurts: They criticize you constantly—“You’re too sensitive” or “You’re impossible.” It makes you feel worthless, like you’re always failing.
Self-Doubt That Traps You: Gaslighting has you questioning your reality. They say, “That didn’t happen,” or “You’re overreacting,” until you think you’re the problem.
Stuck and Powerless: The shame and doubt make you feel like you can’t leave. You might believe you’re too broken or don’t deserve better. That’s a lie they’ve fed you.

This isn’t your fault. Their manipulation—gaslighting, blame-shifting, and devaluation—is designed to keep you trapped.

The Red Flags

Here’s what to look for:

Gaslighting: They deny your experiences, making you doubt your sanity.
Blame-Shifting: They never admit fault, pinning every issue on you.
Manipulation: They swing between affection and cruelty, keeping you confused.
Isolation: They push away your friends and family, leaving you dependent.

Seeing these signs is your first step to freedom.

How to Break Free

You deserve to feel safe and valued. Here’s how to start escaping:

Trust Yourself: Gaslighting makes you doubt your reality. Keep a private journal of hurtful incidents to validate your experiences. Tell yourself: “My feelings are real.”
Fight Shame: Write down one thing you like about yourself daily. It’s small, but it rebuilds your worth. Remind yourself: “I am enough.”
Find Support: Reach out to a trusted friend or therapist. If that’s hard, call a hotline—they’ll believe you. You’re not alone.
Plan Your Exit: Make a safety plan: Find a safe place to go and secure essentials like ID and cash. Avoid confrontation if possible. A hotline can help if you’re unsure.
Set Boundaries: If safe, go no-contact by blocking them. If not, limit communication to essentials. Every boundary takes back your power.
Heal with Help: A therapist who knows narcissistic abuse can help you rebuild confidence and process trauma. Online therapy is a discreet option.

You’ve Got This

The shame and self-doubt you’re feeling? They’re not your truth—they’re the scars of abuse. You are stronger than you know, and every step you take toward freedom proves it. Start today: journal, call a hotline, or reach out for support. You deserve a life where you feel safe and whole.

Resources: